Odin was on an extended research trip somewhere in the underworld, chatting up long dead witches and hunting for the secret of the universe. Other gods took advance of his absence by utilizing the Alfather's all seeing throne. Today six of them had squeezed onto the high seat to partake in one of their favourite occupations, watching American TV.
There had been the usual argument about which channel to watch. Loki wanted erotica. For some reason no one could fathom Baldr had become obsessed with snooker while Hod demanded classical music. Thor asked for Star Trek, knowing that Heimdal almost spilt blood if anyone even mentioned Stargate, It was Freya's choice in the end, as always, as she had the best control over the throne's magic, she opted for the Home and Leisure channel. Muttering, the male deities settled down to make the best of it.
The gods watched entranced, it was a decorating program, two particularity dopey mortal families were destroying one anothers homes under the guidance of professional decorators. 'Look at that lads, they are making a fairy nest.' said Freya. This appeared to be the case - one of the rooms was sprouting four foot painted toadstools made of mdf and a carpet of astroturf. The other house was being wallpapered with kitchen foil and large circular holes had been cut in the supporting walls to allow circulation of Chi - whatever that meant. 'I looks fun doesn't it, do you think we could do that?' said Freya.
'What make toadstools?' asked Thor.
'No, redecorate our halls, we could swap like they have on that program and do one anothers.'
'Loki is not decorating my hall.' muttered Heimdall.
'Or mine.' muttered Balder.
'Well I don't mind him trying my hall.' Freya replied, 'he could redecorate my bathroom for me, now what do you think?'
'All right then said Baldur, let's try it.'
They finally agreed that Thor and Loki would attempt Freya's bathroom, Freya and Heimdal would take on Baldur's hall of Bleidablek and Baldur and Hod would decorate Thor's bed chamber. They decided that being gods it would only take one day, especially if they sent the servants out for the supplies they needed.
......
The next day dawned and the excited godfolk prepared for their tasks. Thor and Loki stood in Freya's bathroom. A very large half-barrel filled most of the floor, ringed with large beeswax candles and boxes of soaps, sponges and oils. The walls and floor were of plain scrubbed pine the ceiling beams were delicately carved with leaf designs with light touches of paint. 'Hmmm' mused Loki 'its all a bit old fashioned isn't it.'
'I wouldn't have said so.' Thor replied 'She has got a wood fired copper and everything.'
'Oh come out of the stone age Thor.' Loki chided 'we'll get her an electric heater, that will be much easier. And a big plastic whirlpool tub. I have got some decorating magazines here what do you think? Loki produced Erotic Love Nests Weekly and Tubs of Love, he opened one for the thundergod to inspect, Thor whistled. 'You like it?' asked Loki, Thor was silent, staring at the magazine, eventually he asked
'Where are we going to get that many mirrors?'
......
Baldur and Hod were standing in Thor's room. It was large but plain, except for the carved beasts on the bed posts. One of Sif's woven tapestries broken the monotony of the ancient dark oak beams making up the walls. Hod traced his hands over the carvings and smiled. 'Well this could be cosier,' Baldur pondered 'I think we should make some bed hangings and curtains, we could use stencils and stamps to print suitable designs on them, and round the walls. What could we use?'
'Hammers' Hod answered.
'That is a bit predictable, but I suppose your right. Thor will like hammers.' Balder organised the construction of a heavy oak frame for a bed canopy. Once the beams were set up on the saw bench Hod cut them and the work went quickly. In only a couple of hours the work was complete. They hammered planks across the top and covered them with fabric. Baldur measured for the hangings and curtains, 'I'll do the sewing Hod, you print the patterns, I will make to a stamp and you can start on the walls.'
Freya and Heimdal stood in Bleidablek, taking in the thick gold columns, gold shields and fur heaped benches. 'Hmmm' muttered Freya, 'looks like Attilla and Midas worked together on this one. What can we do with this?'
'We could try something a bit more modern,' Heimdall suggested 'What's in fashion at the moment?'.
'1970s stuff' Freya replied 'Lava lamps, that sort of thing.'
.......
Thialfi whistled happily, pushing a cart loaded with mdf and mirror tiles down the aisles of Do It Well. Other customers avoided looking at him directly, something unnerved them. Maybe it was the sword or the necklace of bear claws. The check out girl dutifully scanned his purchases and then stared at the small gold coin offered in payment. Following some ancient instinct she bit the coin with her teeth, noted the marks in the soft gold with satisfaction and dropped it into the till.
......
Balder cut out a foam hammer and mounted it on a small wooden board. He explained his idea to Hod, gave him the stamp and a tray of scarlet paint. Hod dutifully climbed onto a bench and started to stamp a neat row of hammers along the top of the wall. Balder went to Sif's room and set to work on the curtains beside her sewing box.
......
Meanwhile in Bleidablek Heimdal was hanging brown daisy wallpaper. Freya was covering the gold pillars with fake gold fur. Beyla had been dispatched to buy bead curtains and scatter cushions. 'I think we can keep all these fur rugs' said Freya 'they look quite in keeping. It still needs something else though.'
'How about disco lights?' suggested Heimdal.
'Genius!' Freya laughed.
......
In Folkvang Thor was hard at work. He had laid sheets of mdf onto the bathroom ceiling and had nailed them firmly home. He was now screwing in the mirror tiles which Thialfi was carrying in. 'What are you going to need next?' asked his bondsman.
Thor looked around for Loki who had made himself scare as soon as there was any real work to be done. He pointed to the magazine that still lay open on Freya's towel chest. 'We are going to need one of those whirlpool tub things, do you think you can find one?'
'Yes no problem, it gives a list of merchants. But Thor they run on electricity, what can we do about that? Is Freya going to borrow your hammer every time she wants a bath?'
Thor muttered something obscene, and then relented 'Well she can if I'm invited. To keep Sif happy I suppose you had better find some solar panels too, lots of them.'
'No problem.' Thialfi replied, taking the copy of 'Tubs of Love' with him.
......
Beyla had found a warehouse of hippy furnishings in Bradford. She had haggled with the bleary eyed proprietor over the purchase of 500 scatter cushions and 30 assorted lava lamps. The shop owner, none too steady in his senses at the best of times, felt he had made a good trade, lovingly admiring the 8 hogsheads of mead and the generous box of magic mushrooms.
......
Loki crept up to Thor's bed chamber to check on the progress in Bilskirnir. He grinned seeing the blind god hard at work, imitating Balder's voice he asked if Hod needed more paint in the tray. Hod gratefully held the tray out and Loki filled it with baby pink paint. Hod resumed stamping the design on the wall while Loki admired the effect. Inspired he took another sheet of foam and cut out a pattern and made up another stamp. Again aping Balder's voice he said, 'That stamp is getting a bit blurred, here I have made you a new one'.
'Thanks'. Said Hod swapping the stamps over and returning to his task. Loki grinned in pure malice, as pink fluffy bunnies sprouted along the walls of Bilskirnir.
......
Loki peered around the door of Bleidabeck wondering what mischief he could cause there. The sight inside shocked him 'Fenris Shit!' he exclaimed 'Even I couldn't make that worse.'
......
Thialfi had returned with a shiny black sauna tub printed with red hearts. He helped Thor roll out Freya;s old bath and between them they soon had the tub installed. Thialfi went to find a ladder to fix the solar panels on the roof of Folkvang. Thor gazed around the room, the ceiling was now covered with mirror tiles, as were the walls. The floor, still bare scrubbed wood needed attention. Roskva scurried in with a large fluffy purple bath mat 'What else do you need?' she asked.
'Loki's presence would be helpful.' Thor responded 'Maybe you can replace him. What can we put on the floor?'
'Hmm, what effect are you looking for?'
'Loki left this for inspiration.' Thor replied picking up 'Erotic Love Nests Weekly'.
Roskva studied it 'Hmm, black rubber? I don't think so. This one is not so bad it looks like a really thick red carpet.'
'Fine.' Thor agreed, lets go and get some.
......
In Bilskirnir Baldur had finished sewing the bed curtains. He called for Hod who followed the sound of his brother's voice into Sif's workroom. 'Here you are' said Baldur, 'there are rings on the top for hanging, can you stamp them and hang them up on the bed canopy?'
'Of course, no problem.' Hod replied and carried the huge bundle of cloth away. Baldur started work on a window curtain.
......
Loki finally returned to Folkvang, Thor and Thialfi were both working on the roof laying the wiring from the solar panels. With great care Loki arranged two red plastic ducks on the side of the tub, they vaguely resembled toy bath ducks, but their position and expressions suggested any all innocence had long been lost.
......
In Bilskirnir Baldur had finished sewing and carried the remaining curtains back to the bed chamber eager to see how the room was progressing. Hod was sliding the finished curtains onto the bed canopy. Armies of pink rabbits graced the room. Hod heard his brother come in and asked 'What do you think.'
I think Thor is going to kill us.' Baldur muttered.
......
As darkness fell it was time for the gods to return to the own homes and inspect the improvements. Freya declared that as Loki had been let lose on her hall she ought to check on hers first, so they all wended their way to Folkvang. Freya's bathroom was certainly changed, Roskva had been hard at work, she had filled the tub and turned on the jets, and lit the new pink candles. 'Oh my,' said Freya, and grinned twirling on the deep carpet and admiring the many reflections in the mirrors 'Whose idea was this then?'
'Loki's' replied Roskva.
'And who did all the work?' asked Freya. 'Thor did most of it.' Thialfi responded, 'I think Loki contributed the toy ducks.'
Freya hugged a suddenly bashful thundergod and kissed Thialfi on the cheek. 'Thank you lads' she smiled 'Its perfect.'
......
Hod happily led Thor back to Bilskirnir, Balder had not found the courage to explain the design flaw to his brother who was convinced they had done the thundergod proud. Balder followed at the back of the group in uneasy dread. Sif had joined them, just returned from an intense shopping trip with Sigyn, she was soon caught up in the excitement and eager to see what changes had been made in Bilskirnir. Thor was understandably speechless when he saw his bedchamber. The mouth opened but the only sound he uttered was 'B…b…b…b.'
Sif on the other hand was delighted 'Oh Balder its wonderful. The rabbits are darling.' She inspected the bed hangings and complemented the two brothers on their work.
Thor was slowly turning purple, eventually he recovered his speech 'Bloody bunnies', he shouted.
......
Baldur stared at the main room of his hall. The air was thick with the reek of incense cut by brightly flashing coloured lights and the churning glow of lava lamps. Most of the room was a sea of emerald and purple scatter cushions, occasionally interrupted by inflatable chairs. The ceiling was lost in bead strings, silk scarves, and fake crystals. The brain slowly registered and the god's mouth dropped open. Hod wondered ahead, somehow avoiding the numerous obstacles. 'Smells good.' he said. He laid a hand on one of the pillars, and stroked the deep fur, 'Oohh,' he sighed 'I like that!.'
'Wow' said Loki barging past, 'they even got you a mini bar'. The trickster god flopped into a large inflatable chair and pulled a glass from a compartment concealed in a large plastic penguin. He lifted one of the bird's flippers which released a stream of whiskey and ice. 'Not bad!'
'Hey.' said Baldur 'It's my hall I want to try it'. He grapped Loki's feet and pulled him off the chair and tried it himself. Baldur gazed around the dim gaudy interior, 'Groovy.' he said.