The sea giant Aegir and his wife Ran had honoured the gods of Asgard with a fine banquet, roast flesh steaming over the hearth fires and ale flowed in abundance from Ran's wonderous cauldron. Almost everyone was present at the feast, all but Thor who was delayed by errands in Midgard. Several courses had been served by the hall's diligent servants, and with their appetites mostly sated the gods and goddesses debated what pastime would amuse them. Later wild music, dancing and wrestling would keep them merry but a gentler entertainment was required so soon after eating.
Loki spoke with a cunning smile 'Let us have a contest of wits'.
'Excellent,' agreed Odin, confident of his skill 'a contest of riddles!'
'No.' Loki grinned 'That has been tried too often before. I was thinking of a contest of verse.'
'I agree.' cried Braggi delightedly.
'But they must be no ordinary verses.' said Loki. 'Each poem should be in the form of an insult directed at someone here in this hall. And, to remain in the contest, that person must respond in verse. A better entertainment I cannot imagine.'
Several gods frowned at Loki's plan. Idunn voiced their concerns 'I am not sure such behaviour should be encouraged.'
'It is but harmless fun.' Loki replied 'If any deserve to be mocked in this hall it is I, so I stand to suffer the most ridicule. Now do you agree?'
'He has a point there.' agreed Freya 'Let's indulge him.'
Thus encouraged Loki leapt over his table, he called to the host 'Aegir, I would ask you to judge our contest.' Aegir nodded and Loki paced like a cat towards Freya's seat…
'Here sits the harlot Heimdall's plaything,
The shameless strumpet of Sessrumnir.
Each As and Alf know, her depths alluring
This bold dis would bed her brother and all.'
The hall fell silent, the gods taken aback by Loki's daring. Some wondered if he would survive such an attack on the powerful battle goddess. If Freya was offended she showed little sign. With a sly smile she gave her answer…
'I am no chattle chained in a husband's chamber
If Frey denied my freedom there would be no fun for Loki.
But you were fettered faithful to flee Sigyn unable
Skadi's playful serpent dropping spittle on your brow.'
Gods and goddesses cheered and thumped the boards of the trestles. Loki nodded in respect and chanted a second verse.
'Wanton woman! Ever wanting
Glistening gems and gaudy trinkets
With wretches foul this witch has bartered
Her body has bought baubles from worms.'
Njord took to his feet and responded before Freya could reply…
'True Vanir take lovers Your taunts are in vain
Sister to sibling bother to same kin
If Njord's marriage be marred - it still yielded a marvel
So fine a fellow - as mighty Ing Frey.'
These words were echoed from shouts of agreement from the benches. Loki answered…
'I've heard that one household - are harmed when cross mated.
Maybe your matching - does much to explain
Njord's boy's bedding - of giant maids beastly
Tis the wise Norns will - that he is not worse.'
Njord scowled and replied…
'What folk are you fooling? - You are a fine one
To speak of the sordid - sex life of your peers.
Yet you have borne bairns - acts far beneath me
Too proud of my prick - to take such a part.'
And Loki answered…
'Hail to the hero - Njord the hardy fighter
Dismayed and defeated - in dark Giantland
Held as a hostage - at Hymirs mercy
His pale putrid maidens - pissed in your mouth.'
Njord reddened in fury, the tale was not known to the Aesir and they screamed with laugher. 'Who told you that?' Njord shouted.
'Njord is out' shouted Aegir. Tyr leapt from his bench and took up the challenge…
'What brings you to belittle - brave Lord Ing Frey?
Most praised of our people - so pure in spirit.
I deem it a good deed - of dark goddess Skadi
To bind you beneath serpents - in the black dank cave.'
And Loki replied…
'Hail hallowed Tyr - most handsome of gods
Skin scarred by fighting - sword marked and rough.
Women are not willing - to bed wounded menfolk
And Battle-Lord's lacking - his wolf bitten limb.'
Tyr scoffed at Loki's effort and responded…
'Compared to cunning Loki - I am hardly comely
No soft skinned coward - shy of the battlefield
My own wound is minor - you have lost most
When with Sun Chaser I struggled - you lost your son
And Loki replied…
'Neither ring nor riches - in reparation
Has brave Tyr taken - or even tallied
His wilful wife - wears a full belly
Loud laugh the godfolk - for Loki's the father.'
Tyr rose in his seat, eyes flashing in anger 'Why you little…'
'Tyr is out.' said Aegir. Loki then turned his attention on Frey…
'Hel's wrinkled hags - Frey's tumbled in hayricks
Ogres in the Outlands - Old hairy gooseherds
Daughters of dark elves - and dusty old maids
Bold Ing Frey has bedded - Beasts from all nine worlds.'
Bygvir leapt up and said…
'You speak a snake's words - against my noble sire
Jibes born of jealousy - that Ing Frey's gentle
Way with women - leaves yours wanting
His sword is sharper - than such you bare.'
And Loki replied…
'What mouse is mewing? - With mighty bellowing?
Barley Boy's piping - down below the tables
When the brave go to battle - Byggvir's not among them
This head bowed hero - hides among the straws.'
Outraged Byggvir drew his sword and leapt towards the trickster. 'I show you who's a coward you bastard!' he said coldly. Loki jumped aside laughing.
'Byggvir's out!' said Aegir.
Braggi was next to try his skill:
'Woe to wolf's father - the gods' wrath a-stirring
A fault finding knave - will lack friends in need
Valkyries and Van gods - vengeance will seek
Your poisoned poem - will end in pain.'
And Loki replied…
'Here sits the fire hugger - the hero of the benches.
He fights the faggots - fierce with his poker
This warrior hides weeping - behind womens' aprons.
Does Braggi know a blade - is held blunt end in hand?'
Idunn stepped before her husband and said:
'See this fool flinging - his own faults at Braggi!
This boisterous bastard - is a bane to us all.
The traitor who took me - for a troll's pleasure
A gentle goddess - a bedmate for giants!
Loki grinned and responded…
'See how she saves him - her poor soft willed husband.
What kind of woman - sees worth so little
In a man she has married - that she must fight his battles?
Wise Idunn your insults - injure deeper than mine.'
Odin then took his turn…
'Of all men here assembled - you delight in abasement
Early you earned - an effeminate name
You offered the ring of your rear - to a giant's rare stallion.
So please tell us pervert - how does a prick feel inside?'
Silence descended in the hall, heads had been broken after such words were uttered, but Loki appeared unconcerned and replied:
'I saw you wear skirts - you shameless pervert
Dancing and drumming - with damsels from Finmark.
For Warfather wanted - to learn womens' magic
Better befitting a coward - than a bold warrior.'
Odin reddened and the gods laughed. Frowning, his wife took her turn…
'Where is the wisdom - in weaving such mischief?
You dice with death - on a dangerous path
A feast is for forging - bonds between fellows
Were you a woman - you would see your folly.'
And Loki replied:
'Good Frigg feels - that she has no failings
So prim and proper - a perfect wife
But Warfather went wandering - and Frigg was turned wanton
You longed to lie with - your bothers in law!'
And Beyla stepped forward and said
'Hear haughty Loki - reigning lord of humour
But Thor could thoroughly - thwart this knaves sport
Make him quiet, quarrel wary - quitting his jesting
Of fair Thrud's father - Loki is fearful!'
And Loki replied
'Foul and Filthy - is Frey's tattered servant
Hair stuck with honey - horrid and tangled
Slops from the stew pot - and stains are her gown braids
When I need her night charms - I hold my nose!'
Heimdal leapt up to Beyla's defence and said:
'How dare you denounce - the deeds of Beyla
For she would withdraw - her wonderous mead
When the cunning man's cup - is kept dry and empty
Wise words falter - and wane to nothing.'
And Loki answered:
Of all Asgard's holy halls - Heimdal's is the least
A wretched wasteland - outside our walls
No fields no fair meadows - forbidding and alone
A shore of stones - not fit for sheep.'
'Well you can talk!' Heimdal replied indignantly, 'You don't have a hall at all!'
'Heimdall's out.' said Aegir.
Skadi stood and called out her verse to Loki…
'When his wicked - words become tiresome
Recall the rope bound - ragged hero
Bare and bedragged - as a new bairn
Much mirth this gives - my heart yet still.'
Loki replied…
'Laugh loud while you can - lady of snow shoes
I fear you forget - your father's plight
Daring I drew him - into the death-fire
Loud I did laugh - at your sad loss.'
Bristling, Skadi replied…
'Of all gods you alone - have caused me anger
In my sacred shrines - I will not suffer
Your perverted presence - and petty jibs
When worth is weighed - you are most wanting.'
Loki laughed loud and mimed despair as he responded…
'A sad tale of sorrow - tugging at heart strings
All present must pity - this poor lonely girl
Last week I was welcomed - this woman contrary
Cried for my kisses - on her cold white breasts!
The folk of Asgard fell about laughing as the snow - white giantess blushed scarlet. 'You knave!' she shouted and flung an angry fist at the trickster which he dodged easily.
'Skadi is out.' shouted Aegir.
Then Sif stepped forward and said:
'This cup of clear glass - I raise to cunning Loki
My name is not slighted - I've naught to fear
What fault can you find - with your friend longstanding?
What mars the mood - of Bilskirnir's mistress?'
Loki smiled and took the cup, drank deeply and said
'Of this golden goddess - much praise is given
Far sighted seeress - skilled above men
This firm breasted beauty - with buttocks so rosy
Cunning Loki's courting - makes Thor a cuckold!'
Sif's husband walked into the hall at this moment, dusty from travelling with his iron hammer in his hand. Thor frowned hearing Loki's words, Sif hurriedly interceded before Loki paid too dearly for his indiscretion…
'Heed my words husband - and hie to my side
Loki called for a contest - a conflict of insults
Your wife has been wounded - by wise Loki's taunting
So vie with this villain - and answer in verse.'
Loki attacked his new victim with relish…
All hail great Asa Thor - Thunder god almighty
Every woman's wonder - wants not for tupping
But at Starkard's Steading - he sought an elf's kisses
But the shrew struck him - for Skarkard she favoured.'
And Thor replied:
'Then hear of the hero - concealing his brave head
Down in the dark - green depths of the brook
Freya shook with fury - to find him most eager
Fearful and fretting - in the fishes' domain.'
And Loki replied:
'Laugh now at this lover - longing for sporting
He bedded a baby - but three days old
Tis quite right to question - his choice in the hel queen
Such a blossoming beauty - blue with mould.'
And Thor said…
'But remember your ride - raised high by the eagle
Tied to your tormentor - and torn by brambles
Caught on the crag tops - crying with terror
Screaming and shrieking - like a soiled baby?.'
Loki replied…
'I recall that ancient rumpus - 'twixt rugged As and wily Van
Where fierce Fjorginn's son - did not fare so well.
Down in the dust - was our doughty warrior
Beaten by the brazen girl - that bare skinned Vanadis.'
And Thor answered
'Let us dwell on the dawning - when he was less daring
When Sif's fallen silk tresses - sang out his death knell
So proud he was pinned - to his door like a pot fowl
Loki lost his bladder's blood - in babbling terror.'
Loki paled and lost the thread of his insolent tirade, the memory of that morning still sent a shudder down his spine. Seeing this the gods and goddess shouted with glee, rejoicing that Loki was finally speechless and thumped the trestled tables till the dishes danced. Thor put an arm around his friend's shoulder and pushed him back to his bench. 'Enough of this nonsense' he said, 'I hope you saved plenty of food for me.'
(This story is close to the surviving version in the Poetic Edda, through mine is far more light hearted. The Poetic Edda shows Loki in a very harsh light, the enemy of the gods mocking their weaknesses. Loki's indiscretions begin when he kills one of Aegir's servants. He is eventually driven away by Thor who repeatedly threatens him with his hammer.
The Loki of my stories is mischievous, meddling,and totally free from sexual inhibitions but loyal to Asgard, and this rewriting of Loki's taunting certainly reflects this gentler, and possibly more authentic god. There is little doubt that in the conversion and later periods Loki's character was modelled on the Christian devil.
Of the insults themselves, most are taken from the Poetic Edda, for example Frigg sleeping with Odin's brothers, Loki sleeping with both Sif, Tyr's wives and Skadi and the accusations of cowardice against the less warlike gods. The exchange between Loki and Thor has been changed to fit in with the other stories in the series. Odin's reference to homosexuality, which was one of the most cutting insults of the Viking age(no such thing as political correctness in those days) is borrowed from the Lay of Harbard.)